August 5th, 2009


Facebook drama (sigh)

A few days ago I found a former significant other of J.R.'s (I'll call her Marcia) on Facebook. We'd had a checkered relationship in the past. While she and J.R. were broken up about four years ago, we'd bonded. Then she dropped me and later got back with him. When we were bonded, she was all, "I feel your pain." When she was back with him, she was all, "You are a pathetic, jealous stalker." Whatever.

Fast forward to 2009 and I figured what the hell. All indications were that she was through with him, and maybe we could bond again over what this lying, sociopathic con artist put us both through.

I am over him, but the damage he did to me is still there. I'm not wallowing in it, but I still get reminders of it, the equivalent of the long-ago broken bone that years later still aches when it's going to rain. Sometimes I just want to talk to someone who understands. Being the victim of a sociopath can be very lonely, and the only people who get it are those who have been there.

I friended Marcia. She friended me back. She assured me that she had never had a problem with me. (Oh, really? She called me "pathetic" and worse, but I chalked that up to her having been mainlining J.R.'s Kool-aid at the time.)

We swapped some war stories. I was in mid-chat with her on Saturday, when she suddenly disappeared. I got a message from her on Monday asking what happened; was she ignoring me? I assured her I wasn't and we could chat that night.

Well, in mid-chat on Monday, in the midst of more war stories, she was suddenly offline. The next day, I checked my friend list and she was gone. She apparently defriended me in mid-chat.

I'm afraid I put my foot in it with another woman ("Imogene") who had friended her. Marcia was curious as to why. I suggested that maybe it was the same reason I had friended her -- this woman had also been victimized by J.R. and perhaps needed a sympathetic ear. I wonder if Marcia freaked out at the idea of being inundated by an army of J.R.'s walking wounded when all she wanted to do was move on.

Turns out Imogene had *no* intention or interest in discussing J.R. with her. They had other things in common.

So now I feel terrible for making a rash assumption about Imogene and being responsible for her being defriended by Marcia.

I have tried to make amends to both of them -- to Imogene for the rash assumption about her intentions and to Marcia about dredging up bad memories. The question remains, though: If Marcia had a problem with me, why did she friend me back in the first place?

I've posted this story on one of my boards and been told "Let it go" and asked "Why do you care?" I have trouble letting it go because the damage J.R. did runs so deep. I care because he spread vicious lies about me and feels no remorse. If I can't get a sincere apology from him, I can at least get the satisfaction of knowing someone who once believed his lies no longer does.

I've gotten variations on "let him go -- he's poison -- and fill your life with good stuff" for years since this happened. But if your digestive system is damaged by poison, it's easier said than done to ingest good stuff. And only someone who has been there will get that.