July 18th, 2007

morris

I am dying for his sins.

Nobody panic; I'm not literally dying. Well, I am, we all are, but I'm hoping it'll take 40 years or so to finish the job.

I got to thinking about this earlier today. For some reason Wednesday seems to be the day when my anger at J.R. flares up. I have no idea why; Wednesday holds no significance to that alleged relationship. Maybe it's just a cyclical thing.

But I realized that I am choosing to hold onto the anger. I could work on letting it go if I really wanted to, but I don't. Why?

When I say I'm dying for J.R.'s sins, it's not quite the same as the Christian teaching that Jesus died for our sins. Jesus chose to suffer and die so that our sins would be forgiven. I'm choosing to suffer so that J.R.'s sins will be PUNISHED.

If J.R. had done to my body what he did to my psyche, he would be in prison. If he had stolen or swindled money from me, rather than messing up my mind so that I lost all sense of my financial obligations, I could sue him for damages.

Emotional rape, unfortunately, is not a crime. But it is, in its own way, as devastating as physical rape -- was to me, anyway. And it deserves severe punishment.

I can't punish J.R. Not only can't I press charges or file suit, I can't even get him to face up to what he did. Were I to tell him, he'd either ignore me or dismiss me as a joke. Almost two years of my life wasted on lies, with continuing long-term damage -- yeah, a regular laff riot, that one.

My holding onto the anger is my way of ensuring that some consequences are paid for his heinous actions. He's the one who should be paying them, but since he won't, I am.

Yes, I realize that this is nuts. The one I'm hurting is myself. But I'm not letting it take over; I am living my life again and being there for those who truly love me. It would be nice to clear out those corners of my mind, heart and soul that are still taken up by rage toward J.R., but I'm not ready yet.

Off to get measured for a cross and a crown of thorns ...